A couple of one-liners to start with. All right, three …
I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
I intend to live forever. So far so good.
They say when a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Next, a couple of real howlers!
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Two Kiwis Hemi and Bob are walking down a street in Bondi. Bob happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair’.
Bob says to his pal, “Hemi, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.
“Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.”
“No worries,” smiled Hemi, “I’ll keep my mouth shut.”
They go in and Bob says, “I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…”
The owner of the shop interrupts, “You’re from New Zealand, aren’t you?”
“Well… yis,” says a surprised Bob. “How the hill dud you know thet?”
The owner says, “This is a dry cleaners.”
Finishing with this ancient blessing:
I wish you enough
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through any good-byes.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and joyous.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how grey the day may appear. But I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
Happy days in lockdown, one ‘n’ all.