Left Field

Connoitre (or even reconnoitre) this random selection of random quotes, stories and humour from way out of left field.
Of baseball origins, the phrase “way out of left field” has evolved to mean an eccentric, odd, misguided or peculiar statement or act.

020822

Two men on a camping trip, lying in their sleeping bags looking up at the night sky.
Joe: Look at that, Bill! What do you think?
Bill: It’s magnificent! Wondrous – all those stars and …
Joe: Sure. And what does it tell you?
Bill: Oh, what an incredible universe we’re in. Creation. Makes me feel so small …
Joe: No, Bill. Someone’s stolen our tent!

160722

Ambiguous:
Seen in a parish magazine: Mr Jones was elected and has accepted the position. We could not find a better man.
A bishop received this letter from one of his parish clergy: “Dear Bishop. I regret to inform you that my wife has died. Could you please send a substitute for this Sunday?”

010722

A magician was working on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.  There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the show every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
“Look, it’s not the same hat.”
“Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table.”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was the captain’s parrot, after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and, of course, the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with contempt, but did not utter a word.
This went on for several days. After a week, the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

160622

My kids were upset because I put ginger in the curry.  They loved that cat.

020622

Ambiguities:
1. Notice in church newsletter: The vicar is on holiday until the 27th. The Ministry Support Team will be celebrating while he’s away.
2. A bishop received this email from one of his clergymen: “I regret to inform you that my wife has died. Could you please send me a substitute for the weekend?”

170522

A teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said. “How much will you charge me?’
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”
“No,” he responded with a chuckle.
The wife frowned but said no more.

Later that day, the youngster came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the startled man asked.
“Yes,” the girl replied, “and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man handed $50 to her along with a ten dollar tip.

“And by the way,” the teenager added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Mercedes.”

030522

Someone had stolen the minister’s bicycle. Believing the thief must have been somebody from his congregation, he decided to preach on the Ten Commandments. Long he laboured over the “Thou shalt not steal” commandment, preaching eloquently about the scourge of theft and the recent collapse in moral standards. Eventually he touched on the commandment about not committing adultery, and he suddenly remembered where he’d left his bicycle.

170422

Why can you never trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.

310322

Two Kiwis Hemi and Bob are walking down a street in Bondi. Bob happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign says, ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00  per pair’.
Bob says to his pal, “Hemi, look! We could buy a whole lot of  those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.
“Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.”
“No worries,” smiled Hemi, “I’ll keep my mouth shut.”
They go in and Bob says, “I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…”
The owner of the shop interrupts, “You’re from New Zealand, aren’t you?”
“Well… yis,” says a surprised Bob. “How the hill dud you know thet?”
The owner says, “This is a dry cleaners.”

160322

Girl: Mummy, who made me?
Mother: God did.
Girl: Who made you?
Mother: God did.
Girl: Who made Grandma?
Mother: God did.
PAUSE
Girl: He’s improved a lot since He made Grandma …

020322

Notice on a church door:
“Services Sunday at 10am. Come early if you want a back seat.”

160222

A visiting speaker to a conservative church decided to take an informal approach to his children’s talk. Word had reached him of the strict and pious atmosphere of the Sunday School, and he decided he would bring a refreshing change. Dressed casually, sitting on the carpeted steps, he leaned confidentially towards the children.
“Can anyone tell me,” he asked them, “what is small, grey, eats nuts and has a large, bushy tail?”
After an uncertain silence, a boy put his hand up and said,
“I know the answer should be Jesus, but it sounds like a squirrel to me.”

020222

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.  
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.  
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

130122

“Dad, what’s that?” asked the small boy, looking up at the memorial plaque on the church wall.
“That’s in memory of all the brave men who died in the services.”
The boy scanned the long list of names thoughtfully and asked, “Did they die in the morning or evening services?”

%d bloggers like this: