Left Field

Connoitre (or even reconnoitre) this random selection of random quotes, stories and humour from way out of left field.
Of baseball origins, the phrase “way out of left field” has evolved to mean an eccentric, odd, misguided or peculiar statement or act.

170523

A vicar was driving down a country lane in his Morris Minor when a Mercedes careered around the bend and hit him, both cars sliding into a ditch. As both drivers clambered out, the vicar said, “Good grief! You almost killed me.”
“I’m sorry,” said the other driver. “Are you all right? Here – have a drink of this,” he said, handing over a flask of whiskey. “It’ll settle your nerves.”
“Why, thank you,” said the vicar, taking a generous swig. “Just what I need – you’re very kind.” He took another gulp and handed the flask back. “Here, you have some.”
“Oh, no,” said the man calmly. “I’ll just wait here till the police arrive.”

01052023

It’s fun being crazy. You get to meet heaps of people others can’t even see.

17042023

One-liners:
– I used to be conceited, but now I’m perfect.
– I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure …
– I may have my faults, but being wrong is not one of them.
– Hospitality is the art of making people feel at home when you wish they were at home.

01042023

In a way, today’s a joke in itself.
However, ponder this:
‘Twas a strange day. First I found a hat full of money. Then I got chased by an angry guy with a guitar.

15032023

Tama declares war on Putin

President Putin is sitting in his office contemplating the current crisis in Ukraine and drinking tea, when the phone rings……
“Tena koe, would that be President Putin?”
“Hello, yes, this is he speaking. Who is this and what do you want?”
“Well now Vladimyr, this is Tama speaking and I am ringing from Taneatua to tell you that we are declaring war on Russia!”

“I see,” President Putin replies, “this is indeed important news. How big is your Army?”
“Well” says Tama, “There is myself, my cousin Wiremu, a couple of nephews, my next door neighbour, a couple of greenies and half of the rugby team from Ruatoki. That makes 16 altogether. We have been
doing some cool training out the back of Ruatoki using an Osama handbook and we want to put it to use.”
Putin replies: “I must tell you Tama that I have one million men in my army just waiting to move on my command.”
“Aue!” says Tama, “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, the next day Tama rings back: “Vlad, it’s me again Bro. The war is still on. We have managed to get hold of some infantry equipment.”
“And what equipment would that be?” President Putin asks.
“Well, we’ve got two tractors, a bulldozer, and the loan of Wiremu’s Honda 90.”
President Musharraf sighs. “I must tell you Tama, that I have 16000 tanks and 14000 armoured carriers, some nuclear capability I’m not afraid to use, and I have increased my mobilised troops to one and a half million since we last spoke.”
“Are you tricking me?” asks Tama. “I’ll have to get back to you on this one.”

Sure enough Tama rings the next day. “President Putin, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves a Naval Arm! We’ve modified cousin Wiremu’s outboard with a couple of 12 bore double-barrel shot guns in the front, and four bro’s from the Mongrel Mob have joined us too.”
Putin is silent for a moment, then he replies: “I must tell you, Tama, that I have 1000 bombers and 2000 fighter planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missiles and since we
last spoke I have called up some more reserves and increased my army to two million men.”
“E hoa!” says Tama, “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough the next day Tama rings: “Morena, President Vlad, I am sorry to tell you that we have to call off the war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that too,” says Putin. “Why the sudden change?”

“Well” says Tama, “we had a long korero over a few beers and decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”

020323

Some double entendre for you to ponder:
– There are usually two reasons why we do something: the good reason and the real reason.
– I can resist everything except temptation. (Oscar Wilde)
– It wasn’t the apple in the Garden of Eden that caused the trouble; it was the pair on the ground.
– Many people aim for nothing; and hit it with remarkable precision. (Someone called Archbishop Whately. Apparently.)

160223

Have you seen the book about the indestructible dog? Impossible to put down.

310123

• Paddy and Mick are walking down the road, and Paddy’s got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Paddy says to Mick, “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.”
• Today I spotted an albino Dalmatian.  It was the least I could do.
• Q: When you die, what body part dies last?
  A: Your pupils.  They dilate.

110123

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most birthdays actually live the longest.

161222

A politician is electioneering in a village and he asks the assembled small people what their main grievances are, what do they need. One man stands up and says, well, we need a GP.  We haven’t had one here for a long time – in fact, health workers generally.
The politician gets out his cellphone and talks to someone at HQ, explaining that this town needs doctors and nurses and other health professionals.  There’s silence while someone on the other end of the phone is speaking, and after a short while he hangs up and informs the people listening,
“All sorted.  I’ve got someone on it.  We’re pretty sure we can have a GP here within three months.”

The crowd murmurs and the politician asks, “Good, so, what else?  Anything else you need?” At which another man stands up and says,
“Yes, we’ve no cellphone coverage here … is there anything you can do about that?”

031222

It’s reported that sixty per cent of all Christians take The Herald.
The other forty per cent pay for it.

151122

A man and a woman on a motor bike, both dressed similarly, look identical, crashed. In hospital, semi-conscious. A nurse couldn’t distinguish between them. Not wanting to be too blunt in questioning them, she delicately asks,
“Ahh … which one of you has a menstrual cycle?”
The male sits up groggily, blinks, and says, “Not me. Mine’s a Honda.”

031122

I have a great satirical poem to share with you on Left Field this month, but Pam Ayres has not replied to my request for permission to use it. In lieu, and in the interests of exploiting a great Left Field contribution, I refer you to this link. Go have a read – it’s worth it!
They Should Have Asked My Husband

181022

A poster on a university notice board read, “God is dead” (Nietzsche).
Someone had written underneath, in felt pen, “Nietzsche is dead” (God).

011022

I bought my son a new car.  He called and said, “There’s water in the carburettor.”  I said, “Where is the car?”  He said, “In the lake.”

010922

Two for the price of one this fortnight:

Preacher to congregation, tapping microphone: Can everyone hear me all right?
Voice from somewhere in the auditorium: Yes, but I’m happy to change seats with someone who can’t.

…..

Then there was the man at a cocktail party who said condescendingly to the vicar , “I wouldn’t set foot in a church. It’s full of hypocrites.”
“No, no, please come,” replied the vicar. “One more won’t make any difference.”

170822

Some timely marriage guidance:
* A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
* Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight.  (Phyllis Diller)
* The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.  (Henny Youngman)
* A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.  (Milton Berle)

020822

Two men on a camping trip, lying in their sleeping bags looking up at the night sky.
Joe: Look at that, Bill! What do you think?
Bill: It’s magnificent! Wondrous – all those stars and …
Joe: Sure. And what does it tell you?
Bill: Oh, what an incredible universe we’re in. Creation. Makes me feel so small …
Joe: No, Bill. Someone’s stolen our tent!

160722

Ambiguous:
Seen in a parish magazine: Mr Jones was elected and has accepted the position. We could not find a better man.
A bishop received this letter from one of his parish clergy: “Dear Bishop. I regret to inform you that my wife has died. Could you please send a substitute for this Sunday?”

010722

A magician was working on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.  There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the show every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
“Look, it’s not the same hat.”
“Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table.”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was the captain’s parrot, after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and, of course, the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with contempt, but did not utter a word.
This went on for several days. After a week, the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

160622

My kids were upset because I put ginger in the curry.  They loved that cat.

020622

Ambiguities:
1. Notice in church newsletter: The vicar is on holiday until the 27th. The Ministry Support Team will be celebrating while he’s away.
2. A bishop received this email from one of his clergymen: “I regret to inform you that my wife has died. Could you please send me a substitute for the weekend?”

170522

A teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said. “How much will you charge me?’
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”
“No,” he responded with a chuckle.
The wife frowned but said no more.

Later that day, the youngster came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the startled man asked.
“Yes,” the girl replied, “and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man handed $50 to her along with a ten dollar tip.

“And by the way,” the teenager added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Mercedes.”

030522

Someone had stolen the minister’s bicycle. Believing the thief must have been somebody from his congregation, he decided to preach on the Ten Commandments. Long he laboured over the “Thou shalt not steal” commandment, preaching eloquently about the scourge of theft and the recent collapse in moral standards. Eventually he touched on the commandment about not committing adultery, and he suddenly remembered where he’d left his bicycle.

170422

Why can you never trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.

310322

Two Kiwis Hemi and Bob are walking down a street in Bondi. Bob happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign says, ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00  per pair’.
Bob says to his pal, “Hemi, look! We could buy a whole lot of  those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.
“Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.”
“No worries,” smiled Hemi, “I’ll keep my mouth shut.”
They go in and Bob says, “I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…”
The owner of the shop interrupts, “You’re from New Zealand, aren’t you?”
“Well… yis,” says a surprised Bob. “How the hill dud you know thet?”
The owner says, “This is a dry cleaners.”

160322

Girl: Mummy, who made me?
Mother: God did.
Girl: Who made you?
Mother: God did.
Girl: Who made Grandma?
Mother: God did.
PAUSE
Girl: He’s improved a lot since He made Grandma …

020322

Notice on a church door:
“Services Sunday at 10am. Come early if you want a back seat.”

160222

A visiting speaker to a conservative church decided to take an informal approach to his children’s talk. Word had reached him of the strict and pious atmosphere of the Sunday School, and he decided he would bring a refreshing change. Dressed casually, sitting on the carpeted steps, he leaned confidentially towards the children.
“Can anyone tell me,” he asked them, “what is small, grey, eats nuts and has a large, bushy tail?”
After an uncertain silence, a boy put his hand up and said,
“I know the answer should be Jesus, but it sounds like a squirrel to me.”

020222

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.  
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.  
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

130122

“Dad, what’s that?” asked the small boy, looking up at the memorial plaque on the church wall.
“That’s in memory of all the brave men who died in the services.”
The boy scanned the long list of names thoughtfully and asked, “Did they die in the morning or evening services?”