Connoitre (or even reconnoitre) this random selection of random quotes, stories and humour from way out of left field.
Of baseball origins, the phrase “way out of left field” has evolved to mean an eccentric, odd, misguided or peculiar statement or act.
101225
He who laughs last … probably didn’t get the joke.
251125
The husband’s been pretty grumpy this past few weeks. I think it started with the holiday in Hawaii. I probably should have taken him …
011025
An overly frugal man is on a journey by train. A guard asks to see his ticket, and the man shows the guard an old ticket from the 1980s. The guard is appalled.
The man explains that it’s in perfectly good condition. Says he’s looked after it and it’s only ever been used once.
Unimpressed, the guard seizes the man’s bag and threatens to throw it off the train unless he immediately buys a valid ticket.
“First you accuse me of not paying my way,” protests the man, “and now you want to murder my son!”
110925
There was a minister who wanted to move the church piano from the left hand side to the right. But he knew that his congregation didn’t like change, so, what to do? He cannily moved it two centimetres once a week for three years.
Then there was the vicar who rolled up his sleeves, swirled his hands gently in the baptismal water, and smiled reassuringly at the baptismal party, saying, “Don’t worry, he should be in here somewhere.”
160825
The huge forest fire was burning in the valley. Dozens of professional firefighters and even a helicopter were trying to contain it, but to no avail, and, in desperation, reinforcements were called for. A vintage fire engine from a local volunteer group turned up and headed for the fire. They plunged down into the valley, right into the thickest, hottest part of the flames. They fight the flames heroically, and the fire is finally extinguished.
In gratitude, the Mayor awards them a significant financial thank-you.
“And what do you think you’ll do with the funds?” he asks beneficently.
The volunteer fire chief replies, “Buy new brakes for our wagon, sir.”
280725
Sunday morning, people arriving at their church for Morning Worship found the door locked and bolted, and a notice tacked to it from the pastor saying, “You have been coming here long enough, heard me preaching about it often enough. Now go and do it.”
050725
A tombstone in Scotland has the following inscription:
Remember, friend, when passing by
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, soon you will be
Prepare for death, and follow me.
Underneath, someone has written:
To follow you I’m not content
Until I know which way you went.
080625
A young city man visited a farm, but the farmer was too busy to see him immediately. “While you’re waiting,” the farmer said, “why don’t you borrow my shotgun and take the dogs out for a bit of shooting?”
When the city man returned a while later the farmer asked him, “How was the shooting?”
“Great!” said the young man. “Got any more dogs?”
280525
Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: Depends how thinly you slice them.
100425
Quoted in the Peterborough Daily Telegraph:
The old churchyard has been sadly neglected, largely because there have been no burials there for nearly fifty years. An appeal is being launched to encourage volunteer bodies to help remedy the situation.
010425
As promised … here are a few more:
Inscription on a tombstone: I told you I was sick.
The most dangerous activity is living: there’s a 100% mortality rate.
In an obituary to Maj James Brush, who died April 8th 1814, killed by an accidental discharge of a pistol his orderly was cleaning: Well done, good and faithful servant.
180325
A man wrote that he recently visited a cemetery and noticed a sign on the gate saying, “Open Day”. There had been some Council and conservation work done, but the man said his mind boggled, with images of ‘the last judgement’ and the opening of tombs and wondering if today was the day, and wondered if biscuits and tea would be served with the angels’ trumpet blast, and …
Don’t you think death requires a sense of humour? It’s too serious not to laugh about it.
There is accidental humour, like the Open Day, and deliberate humour, as in eulogies as loved ones are remembered, and of course the wit of epitaphs.
Here’s some graffiti to get you going, and wit will follow in the next few weeks:
Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
151224
Two wrongs don’t make a right! Although, two wrights do – at least, did – make an aeroplane …
151024
This is pretty funny but, sorry, it’s at the expense of the British sense of humour:
A Brit got into a taxi cab in New York. The cabbie says, “Hey, do you like riddles?”
Brit says, “Most certainly.”
Cabbie says, “Ok, here it is: my Mom had a child. It was not my brother, nor my sister. Who was it?”
Brit says, “Well, now … that’s very difficult. No, I’m sure, I don’t know. Who was It?”
Cabbie says, “It was me!“
“Oh, yes, of course – very droll, very droll!”
Back in Britain, the Brit is telling his friend of his travels. “… and in the States I heard a most wonderful riddle …”
“Oh?” asks friend. “Please relate it.”
“All right then,” says first Brit. “Well, my mother had a child. It was not my brother, and it was not my sister. Who do you think it was?”
The friend ponders. “Well, now … let me think … your mother had a child. It was not your brother, and it was not your sister. Who could it have been? No, I’m sure, I don’t know. Who was It?”
First Brit says, “It was a cab driver in new York!”
170924
Guy comes home from a men’s conference and announces to his wife, “So, yeah, I’m the head of this house!”
He didn’t see his wife for a week.
On the seventh day he could glimpse a little bit of her out of his left eye.
290824
A group of Russian Jews were gathered in secret for a Hebrew lesson when the door burst open and an FSB officer stood there. He wandered round the room taking names and then asked menacingly, “So why are you learning Hebrew? You’ll never get to Israel!”
“Maybe,” said one of the Jews timidly. “But it’s also the language of Heaven.”
“Well,” said the officer, “it’ll still be no good to you if you don’t get to Heaven. What if you end up in hell?”
“Oh, that’ll be all right,” answered another, more boldly. “We already know Russian.”
200824
Some wisecracks:
* A pessimist is someone who’s lived with an optimist for too long.
* Hospitality is the art of making people feel at home when you wish they were at home.
* I’ve made up my mind. Don’t confuse me with the facts.
* Notice outside a church: Why pray, when you can worry and take tranquillisers?
210724
A man sits down in the cubicle of a public toilet. Someone in the next cubicle says, “So how are you?”
Surprised, the man says, “I’m ok …”
Stranger says, “So, where are you heading?”
First man replies, ” … south …”
Stranger asks, “When do you expect to get home?”
Thinking it’s getting a bit personal, but appreciating someone taking an interest, first man replies, “About 8.30 …”
“Hang on a minute, honey,” says the stranger in the next cubicle with a slightly angry tone, “I’ll call you back. There’s an idiot in the next cubicle who keeps answering my questions …”
260624
Here’s something a bit different from Left Field: a quirky little article on ‘being left (?!) behind’. Three to four minute read. Find it here. https://www.grapevine.org.nz/articles/left-behind/
160624
Rumours of a food shortage at this year’s Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies.
290524
A laugh-out-loud testimony from Readers Digest:
I ran a general store in a small town and often took calls from remote properties asking me to deliver food and other goods to them. On one occasion I was asked to send a toothbrush.
“Do you want an expensive one or a cheap one?” I asked.
“Make it a good one,” was the reply. “There are five of us out here.”
070524
I can sort of understand how astronomers figure out the distances to planets and stars. And their size and composition and all that. But what really baffles me is how they find out what their names are!
010524
Dubious encouragement in today’s depressed economy: There’s a good time coming … but it’s a good time coming.
090424
We asked the girl on the vege stall at the Farmers Market for 5kg of beans.
“No, I can only give you 3kg,” she said.
“How come?” I asked.
She replied, “These scales only go up to 3kg.”
080424
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
260324
Ok, not so much a joke this time – more a satirical take on communism and fascism – but out of left field all the same:
Lenin, Stalin and Putin were travelling on a train when it ground to a halt.
“Very sorry, Comrades,” said the guard. “The engine is broken.”
“Find out who’s responsible and quickly re-educate him,” said Lenin.
The guard came back. “We’ve done that, Eminence, but the engine still won’t go.”
“Get the men who are responsible and execute them,” commanded Stalin.
The guard came back. “We’ve done that, Excellency, but the engine still won’t go.”
“Right,” said Putin. “Have all the windows painted black and tell everyone that the train is still moving.”
020324
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Eggs!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”
300124
Some more Maths jokes:
Old mathematicians never die … they just lose some of their functions.
The problem with Maths puns is that calculus jokes are too derivative, trig jokes are too graphic, and algebra jokes are too formulaic.
Oh, and, what do you call a number that travels a lot?
…. A roamin’ numeral!
170124
A boat crashed into rocks and began to sink.
“Does anyone know how to pray?” shouted the skipper.
“Yes, I do,” said a zealous Christian, clambering to his feet.
“Good,” said the skipper. ”You pray. The rest of you, put on these life jackets. We’re one short.”
211223
There’s a thin line between a numerator and a denominator.
[Although, only a fraction of readers will get this.]
131223
In 1842 a Roman Catholic priest wrote a book predicting that the world would end in 1847. On seeking the church’s permission to publish his book, he was granted it, and the church arranged to publish it in 1848.
[Quoted in The Jesus Hope, by Stephen Travis]
281123
Not a joke this time, out of left field, don’t you think?
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how grey the day.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
241023
Then there was the plastic surgeon who replaced a man’s damaged ear with a pig’s ear. When it had healed, the surgeon asked the man, can you hear all right? The man replied, a bit – just a lot of crackling.
290823
- Sign on a shop door: This door is alarmed after 5pm. Before then it’s just generally anxious.
- Some mornings I wake up grumpy. Other mornings I just let him sleep on.
150823
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time, and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the artist, “Would you like to hear my opinion of your work?”
“Yes,” the artist replies.
“It’s worthless!” the critic says.
“I know,” the artist replies, “but let’s hear it anyway.”
020823
A mother explains to her daughter that she is pregnant. She tells the little girl that after the pain of labour and the birth she can expect a new baby brother or sister at Christmas. Nature takes its course and the home is full of joyful celebration at Christmas with the arrival of the new sibling.
The next year, as Christmas is approaching, the mum asks her daughter what present she would like for Christmas. The child answers, “If it isn’t too painful Mummy, could I have a pony?”
150723
Murray Watts writes, When we were teenagers we went though a very pious phase. On one occasion we missed a bus to a church meeting. We decided to kneel by the side of the road and pray that God would send us another bus. Another bus did come but, as our eyes were closed, we missed it too.
In retelling this amusing story years later, a friend pointed out to me that this wouldn’t have happened if we’d followed the Bible’s advice to “watch and pray”. 🙂 (Col 4:2)
040723
An oldie but a goodie … you’ve probably heard this one before, but …
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I’d recommend it highly.”
The other man said, “Ok. What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know … The one that’s red and has thorns …”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the first man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
060623
Don’t miss the double punch in this one:
Father asks son, after Sunday School class, what he learned today.
“We had a story about how Jesus went to a wedding, and turned some water into wine.”
“Oh,” said the father, “so what did you learn from that?”
Boy says, “If you’re going to have a wedding, you’d better invite Jesus.”
170523
A vicar was driving down a country lane in his Morris Minor when a Mercedes careered around the bend and hit him, both cars sliding into a ditch. As both drivers clambered out, the vicar said, “Good grief! You almost killed me.”
“I’m sorry,” said the other driver. “Are you all right? Here – have a drink of this,” he said, handing over a flask of whiskey. “It’ll settle your nerves.”
“Why, thank you,” said the vicar, taking a generous swig. “Just what I need – you’re very kind.” He took another gulp and handed the flask back. “Here, you have some.”
“Oh, no,” said the man calmly. “I’ll just wait here till the police arrive.”
01052023
It’s fun being crazy. You get to meet heaps of people others can’t even see.
17042023
One-liners:
– I used to be conceited, but now I’m perfect.
– I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure …
– I may have my faults, but being wrong is not one of them.
– Hospitality is the art of making people feel at home when you wish they were at home.
01042023
In a way, today’s a joke in itself.
However, ponder this:
‘Twas a strange day. First I found a hat full of money. Then I got chased by an angry guy with a guitar.
15032023
Tama declares war on Putin
President Putin is sitting in his office contemplating the current crisis in Ukraine and drinking tea, when the phone rings……
“Tena koe, would that be President Putin?”
“Hello, yes, this is he speaking. Who is this and what do you want?”
“Well now Vladimyr, this is Tama speaking and I am ringing from Taneatua to tell you that we are declaring war on Russia!”
“I see,” President Putin replies, “this is indeed important news. How big is your Army?”
“Well” says Tama, “There is myself, my cousin Wiremu, a couple of nephews, my next door neighbour, a couple of greenies and half of the rugby team from Ruatoki. That makes 16 altogether. We have been
doing some cool training out the back of Ruatoki using an Osama handbook and we want to put it to use.”
Putin replies: “I must tell you Tama that I have one million men in my army just waiting to move on my command.”
“Aue!” says Tama, “I’ll have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, the next day Tama rings back: “Vlad, it’s me again Bro. The war is still on. We have managed to get hold of some infantry equipment.”
“And what equipment would that be?” President Putin asks.
“Well, we’ve got two tractors, a bulldozer, and the loan of Wiremu’s Honda 90.”
President Musharraf sighs. “I must tell you Tama, that I have 16000 tanks and 14000 armoured carriers, some nuclear capability I’m not afraid to use, and I have increased my mobilised troops to one and a half million since we last spoke.”
“Are you tricking me?” asks Tama. “I’ll have to get back to you on this one.”
Sure enough Tama rings the next day. “President Putin, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves a Naval Arm! We’ve modified cousin Wiremu’s outboard with a couple of 12 bore double-barrel shot guns in the front, and four bro’s from the Mongrel Mob have joined us too.”
Putin is silent for a moment, then he replies: “I must tell you, Tama, that I have 1000 bombers and 2000 fighter planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missiles and since we
last spoke I have called up some more reserves and increased my army to two million men.”
“E hoa!” says Tama, “I’ll have to ring you back.”
Sure enough the next day Tama rings: “Morena, President Vlad, I am sorry to tell you that we have to call off the war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that too,” says Putin. “Why the sudden change?”
“Well” says Tama, “we had a long korero over a few beers and decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
020323
Some double entendre for you to ponder:
– There are usually two reasons why we do something: the good reason and the real reason.
– I can resist everything except temptation. (Oscar Wilde)
– It wasn’t the apple in the Garden of Eden that caused the trouble; it was the pair on the ground.
– Many people aim for nothing; and hit it with remarkable precision. (Someone called Archbishop Whately. Apparently.)
160223
Have you seen the book about the indestructible dog? Impossible to put down.
310123
- Paddy and Mick are walking down the road, and Paddy’s got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Paddy says to Mick, “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.”
- Today I spotted an albino Dalmatian. It was the least I could do.
- Q: When you die, what body part dies last?
A: Your pupils. They dilate.
110123
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most birthdays actually live the longest.
161222
A politician is electioneering in a village and he asks the assembled small people what their main grievances are, what do they need. One man stands up and says, well, we need a GP. We haven’t had one here for a long time – in fact, health workers generally.
The politician gets out his cellphone and talks to someone at HQ, explaining that this town needs doctors and nurses and other health professionals. There’s silence while someone on the other end of the phone is speaking, and after a short while he hangs up and informs the people listening,
“All sorted. I’ve got someone on it. We’re pretty sure we can have a GP here within three months.”
The crowd murmurs and the politician asks, “Good, so, what else? Anything else you need?” At which another man stands up and says,
“Yes, we’ve no cellphone coverage here … is there anything you can do about that?”
031222
It’s reported that sixty per cent of all Christians take The Herald.
The other forty per cent pay for it.
151122
A man and a woman on a motor bike, both dressed similarly, look identical, crashed. In hospital, semi-conscious. A nurse couldn’t distinguish between them. Not wanting to be too blunt in questioning them, she delicately asks,
“Ahh … which one of you has a menstrual cycle?”
The male sits up groggily, blinks, and says, “Not me. Mine’s a Honda.”
031122
I have a great satirical poem to share with you on Left Field this month, but Pam Ayres has not replied to my request for permission to use it. In lieu, and in the interests of exploiting a great Left Field contribution, I refer you to this link. Go have a read – it’s worth it!
They Should Have Asked My Husband
181022
A poster on a university notice board read, “God is dead” (Nietzsche).
Someone had written underneath, in felt pen, “Nietzsche is dead” (God).
011022
I bought my son a new car. He called and said, “There’s water in the carburettor.” I said, “Where is the car?” He said, “In the lake.”
010922
Two for the price of one this fortnight:
Preacher to congregation, tapping microphone: Can everyone hear me all right?
Voice from somewhere in the auditorium: Yes, but I’m happy to change seats with someone who can’t.
…..
Then there was the man at a cocktail party who said condescendingly to the vicar , “I wouldn’t set foot in a church. It’s full of hypocrites.”
“No, no, please come,” replied the vicar. “One more won’t make any difference.”
170822
Some timely marriage guidance:
* A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
* Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
* The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)
* A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)
020822
Two men on a camping trip, lying in their sleeping bags looking up at the night sky.
Joe: Look at that, Bill! What do you think?
Bill: It’s magnificent! Wondrous – all those stars and …
Joe: Sure. And what does it tell you?
Bill: Oh, what an incredible universe we’re in. Creation. Makes me feel so small …
Joe: No, Bill. Someone’s stolen our tent!
160722
Ambiguous:
Seen in a parish magazine: Mr Jones was elected and has accepted the position. We could not find a better man.
A bishop received this letter from one of his parish clergy: “Dear Bishop. I regret to inform you that my wife has died. Could you please send a substitute for this Sunday?”
010722
A magician was working on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the show every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
“Look, it’s not the same hat.”
“Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table.”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was the captain’s parrot, after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and, of course, the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with contempt, but did not utter a word.
This went on for several days. After a week, the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”
160622
My kids were upset because I put ginger in the curry. They loved that cat.
020622
Ambiguities:
1. Notice in church newsletter: The vicar is on holiday until the 27th. The Ministry Support Team will be celebrating while he’s away.
2. A bishop received this email from one of his clergymen: “I regret to inform you that my wife has died. Could you please send me a substitute for the weekend?”
170522
A teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said. “How much will you charge me?’
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”
“No,” he responded with a chuckle.
The wife frowned but said no more.
Later that day, the youngster came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the startled man asked.
“Yes,” the girl replied, “and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man handed $50 to her along with a ten dollar tip.
“And by the way,” the teenager added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Mercedes.”
030522
Someone had stolen the minister’s bicycle. Believing the thief must have been somebody from his congregation, he decided to preach on the Ten Commandments. Long he laboured over the “Thou shalt not steal” commandment, preaching eloquently about the scourge of theft and the recent collapse in moral standards. Eventually he touched on the commandment about not committing adultery, and he suddenly remembered where he’d left his bicycle.
170422
Why can you never trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
310322
Two Kiwis Hemi and Bob are walking down a street in Bondi. Bob happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign says, ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair’.
Bob says to his pal, “Hemi, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.
“Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.”
“No worries,” smiled Hemi, “I’ll keep my mouth shut.”
They go in and Bob says, “I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…”
The owner of the shop interrupts, “You’re from New Zealand, aren’t you?”
“Well… yis,” says a surprised Bob. “How the hill dud you know thet?”
The owner says, “This is a dry cleaners.”
160322
Girl: Mummy, who made me?
Mother: God did.
Girl: Who made you?
Mother: God did.
Girl: Who made Grandma?
Mother: God did.
PAUSE
Girl: He’s improved a lot since He made Grandma …
020322
Notice on a church door:
“Services Sunday at 10am. Come early if you want a back seat.”
160222
A visiting speaker to a conservative church decided to take an informal approach to his children’s talk. Word had reached him of the strict and pious atmosphere of the Sunday School, and he decided he would bring a refreshing change. Dressed casually, sitting on the carpeted steps, he leaned confidentially towards the children.
“Can anyone tell me,” he asked them, “what is small, grey, eats nuts and has a large, bushy tail?”
After an uncertain silence, a boy put his hand up and said,
“I know the answer should be Jesus, but it sounds like a squirrel to me.”
020222
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
130122
“Dad, what’s that?” asked the small boy, looking up at the memorial plaque on the church wall.
“That’s in memory of all the brave men who died in the services.”
The boy scanned the long list of names thoughtfully and asked, “Did they die in the morning or evening services?”
stfrancischurchtairuanz 