by Barry Pollard
(Based on Mark 10:2-16)
It seems so long ago that we were at this church! We were absent when the family came down to celebrate a birthday, then we had two weeks in Hawaii to continue the birthday and celebrate our twentieth wedding anniversary, and last Saturday evening I woke in the middle of the night unable to walk! But here we are today! It is great to see our church family again!
This reflection has been a bigger than usual challenge for me. My attention from the outset has been solidly focussed on Mark’s Gospel. The first topic it covered, divorce, is a particular challenge because of what Jesus is recorded as saying on the topic, and the fact that I was a divorced man. At a glance, I felt aggrieved. And if it is a challenge for me, I suspect it is, or has been, for others sitting here today who have experienced the same. Theological consideration and spiritual insight will give way to simply trying to make sense of some life experiences as I share with you today.
Things that have given us scars, or have broken us in some way, have lasting impact. Often our questions are never fully answered. The resolutions we made or sought, never fulfilled. To hear the words Jesus is recorded using in the Gospel today can cut to the quick. They can trigger doubt and disbelief all over again.
So what’s going on?
Today’s reading is recorded by Mark, but a similar commentary is recorded in Matthew (Chapter 5) as part of the Olivet Discourse (Sermon on the Mount). Matthew’s version is a little shorter and says nothing about the follow up with the disciples, following the public admonishment of the Pharisees who were trying to catch Jesus out in Mark’s version. In a sense it is a little more palatable.
Nevertheless, the basic ideas he expressed are the same. Divorce from a marriage is not a favoured outcome. And certainly the manner in which it was evidently happening at that time was making a mockery of the very institution it was trying to undo.
What Jesus is saying needs to be looked at in context, with consideration of the social mores of the day and the audiences to which he was speaking. (This is probably a pretty good rule to apply to all such readings when we come across them and are discomforted!)
Society in those times was patriarchal; men had all power and authority. On a whim, a wife could be disposed of simply by being given a letter to the effect that her marriage was over. No reason needed to be offered, it was simply a termination letter. I imagine there was little or no settlement or compensation, only shame and despair for the departing wife. And for divorce to be raised as an issue in the Gospels, it was obviously prevalent.
Remember, even Joseph, when he was grappling with the immaculate conception of Jesus, was considering divorcing Mary as a way of saving face – before the intervention of the angel.
As I said, Jesus was addressing an audience who had all power and authority. The Pharisees’ focus on rules and laws was obsessive, to the point that their application often obscured, even diametrically opposed, the very thing they set out to solve or resolve. So Jesus was trying to bring them to account.
Often in Scripture we hear Jesus taking his disciples and inquisitors back to first principles, to show what God had intended for us from the beginning. This Gospel exchange is another one of those. Marriage was to be a holy institution, God-ordained, a covenant. Not a mere contract that could simply be terminated at will.
An aside: I wonder if we really ever learned from his instruction. So many divorce stories we hear these days have a focus on the settlements. Who gets what, and who comes out on top. I am often left wondering why the combatants got married in the first place.
Like most things, I have a theory, but I’ll save that for another day.
After the Pharisees leave the scene, in Mark’s account the disciples ask Jesus for clarification. Jesus explains that Moses allowed divorce because of the hardness of hearts, and reminded them that divorce was never God’s intention. Hardened hearts take the focus of partnership away in a marriage, and replace it with selfishness. Eventually it becomes easier to break relationships rather than try to heal them.
We can probably all grasp that, can’t we? If our focus is on ourselves, we can’t help but de-prioritise others. Our needs and wants, over theirs. So, as loving and transforming believers, we endeavour to be gentle of heart and word, always considerate of the needs of others, don’t we?
Reading on, the issue for those of us who have endured divorce is the explanation Jesus offers to the disciples in verses 11 and 12, that divorcees who marry again are adulterers. Adultery is a relationship outside of marriage, so this comment, I’m sure, is in reference to the types of divorce Jesus had been responding to in the scenario raised by the Pharisees, those of convenience.
I think we have to acknowledge that while marriage was designed as a lifelong state, it is sometimes necessary, even desirable, that a marriage is dissolved. We can all think of reasons why.
I can vouch that divorce is not something that is easy, not a convenient solution to a weighty problem. It is heart-breaking, more so if children are involved. Not done lightly! Divorce carries heavy costs. Despite being freed of the immediacy of living with someone you can no longer get along with, divorce is not a release at all. We are left with our questions. We carry scars. We are broken. And these things don’t go away quickly.
Now, I don’t want you to think this is all just a big Barry-pity-party. During the deep reflection I have been giving this message it dawned on me that my old life, and the things that I have experienced that have caused me major upset, no longer have a hold on me. I was struck by the fact that I have ‘moved on’. My life now bears little resemblance to the one I was living in my first marriage and through the divorce.
What changed?
I was blessed by knowing Keri: as a colleague at school, as a running buddy when we were both divorcees, then as a close friend and confidante, and suddenly a best love! While it took a long time to get my head around another marriage, I realised that I wanted to spend my life with her as my wife! Her support, patience, understanding, faith and example were the things that eventually changed my way of thinking.
You know my journey back to faith was circuitous and prolonged. I came to realise that I couldn’t do much in my own strength any more. Unlike before, together, Keri and I seemed to be a little more than the sum of two parts. And when God finally broke through my thick exterior, the three-stranded cord (Ecclesiastes 4:12) actually became a reality for me. His forgiveness of all that I had contributed to the failure of my first marriage meant I was able to focus on making sure this one was a true partnership, an honesty-based relationship that invited the Holy One to reign over it.
I hope the past twenty years are a small testament to living that out!
We are ‘resurrection people’. We live this side of the Cross! We know what Jesus has done for us. We know his work is finished and we have been made right in his eyes. All achieved by virtue of his endless grace and love.
In all that I have come to know about Him, never once have I heard or read of Jesus kicking someone when they were down. Jesus was not condemning me as a divorcee nor as an adulterer when he spoke those Gospel words. If anything he was reminding me about the state of my heart, reminding me that to be his follower I have to be ever-watchful of my relationships, with him and with others. At the same time giving me every encouragement!
As I soul-searched, putting this reflection together, I wondered if others would soul-search, hearing it. Perhaps it would be appropriate now to reflect on our own marriages and relationships. Are we still focussed on partnership or have we let selfishness creep in? Are we treating them with the seriousness they deserve? If not, what can we do about that? How can we strengthen our commitment to our spouses and partners? And how can we extend that to include family, friends and strangers?
Let’s take a moment . . .
Part Two of the Gospel today actually deals with how those affected by divorce or any other affliction can be healed and restored. I love it that children are used to show how we adults need to be. I read the lovely reflection Sharon gave a few weeks ago, in which she talked about how children are. No airs and graces, just plain honest inquisitiveness, and joy!
As Jesus explained to the disciples, that we are to be childlike to understand and enter into his Kingdom, didn’t you feel his depth of love for us? Jesus, our God, wants to share his presence with us, to wrap his protective arms around us, place his hands on our heads and bless us. Enfolded in love like that, I know I am not a condemned divorcee and adulterer. I am loved, redeemed, and blessed.
Being St Francis Day today, … divorce doesn’t exactly fit with a celebration of the life of St Francis!Or does it? Although there seems little to connect them, maybe we can find some parallels between what I have related and the life of our patronal saint. In short, divorce, the ending of a marriage, is messy, often selfish and hurtful. The early life of Francis was very world-focussed; some have described it as profligate. Various accounts have it as messy, certainly selfish and, if you like, hurtful to himself and others. Francis (1181–1226) was born into a very wealthy Italian family who indulged him in his early years. Famous for his fine clothes and living the high life, a number of profound faith-experiences led to a complete lifestyle reversal and he eventually founded the religious order that became known as the Franciscans. His life became centred on faith, devoted to social justice, and the members of his order took vows of poverty, chastity and obedience.
The effect of Jesus on the life of Francis was profound. His world focus shifted from himself to others, particularly those who needed most. Jesus took every negative and allowed Francis to turn it into a positive. Think about and dwell upon the words of our hymn, Make Me a Channel of Your Peace. Jesus enabled hope to shine where previously there was only despair.
Just as Jesus effected major change in the life of Francis, so he can effect the same in us. In our times of despair he enables us to have hope. With faith we can be confident that 1 John 3:2 was written for us! We are children of God … and we can rely fully on him and trust in his plans for our lives. That is indeed hope.
I am a sinner, not because I failed at marriage, but because I fall short of every example Jesus sets before me. I repent of my shortcomings and try again. How generous our God is.
Lord, we pray for your healing in our brokenness.
Help us to bring our relationships into line with your plans for us.
Father, we recommit ourselves to our marriages and to those we cherish.
Help us to reflect your love to others, always.
As we struggle to comprehend your gracious, overwhelming love for us,
give us gentle, open and receptive hearts,
and guide us as children into your Kingdom.
We ask these things in the name of the Most High …
stfrancischurchtairuanz 